My pending Winter 2011 schedule.

Now that you know,

I can't help but think...

Have you been thinking about me, too?

One of the things that I love about Santa Barbara

is being able to go to the beach in the middle of December.

Risks

I’ve been thinking a lot about everything that has been happening in my life. Recently, I’ve been trying to keep my mind off of depression by staying busy. I am always out and about, hanging around coffee shops with friends or studying somewhere on campus. Although staying busy is helping me feel a little better, I’ve also found myself in a position that I am far too familiar with. I found myself thinking very negative thoughts and I reached a point where I realized that I needed to get help.

I spoke to the priest at my church here and told him about how I was feeling. I told him about how my depression was worsening and how I was scared that I was going to act on the negative thoughts that had been harboring in my mind. He gave me a book that he believed would help me and encouraged me to read it. After reading the first chapter, I made a list of things that I felt were taking a toll on my depression. One of the main things on the list was school. I have been so stressed out about trying to keep my grades up, trying to graduate on time, trying to get into the classes that I need— the list goes on. That’s when I realized that I really needed to do something about it.

I thought long and hard about this option. After talking to several of my close friends and weighing the pros and cons, I’ve decided to take a break from school. It hasn’t been finalized, but I am going to talk to my academic advisor on Thursday about deferring from UCSB for a quarter and what procedures I have to take in order for this transition to go as smoothly as possible. I feel like I really need some time away to figure things out. I mean, what is the point of returning to UCSB in the winter if I am going to be miserable? It would be a waste of time and money if I am just going to do poorly in school.

Don’t get me wrong— this decision is daunting and I am terrified of what my parents will say once I tell them that I won’t be going to school next quarter. I really hope they understand that I really, really need some time off for the sake of my sanity. I just need them to understand that I am not going to drop out of school— I am simply just going to take a break for a quarter and will return in the spring (that is if I find myself feeling better). I do plan on finishing what I’ve started and if that means not graduating on time, then so be it. Putting things on hold is a risk that I am willing to take in order for me to feel better.

I’ve never been much of a risk-taker, but I feel that this is something that I really need to do. I had a long talk with one of my good friends earlier and he reminded me that sometimes you need to take risks in life in order to pursue happiness. After much thought and consideration, I feel that this risk is necessary. Deviating from the norm is terrifying, but I am ready to do it.